“So what do you do?”: Expertly made-up occupations for your next party

Smalltalk: the scourge of the modern condition. It’s insanely unadvisable to go into a smalltalk-laden situation unprepared, and for that reason today Peatix has your back. Below you will find an expertly curated list of utterly made-up occupations to try out on complete strangers. There are a variety of jobs here for a number of different social circles, so you should easily be able to find the right fake occupation for you.

1. Cold Yoga Instructor. As a teacher of Vikram yoga, or cold yoga, you, along with your new studio, are leading the way in exposing the world to the benefits of yoga done in near-intolerable low temperatures. You claim the cold better protects your pores from the elements, stiffens your muscles to provide a more challenging stretch, and improves your mental health because cold people are more appreciative of life in general.

Cold Vikram yoga

2. Penguin Gender and Sexuality PhD candidate. As a student of Penguin Gender and Sexuality, you study the sounds penguins use to attract same-sex mates, and how female penguins appropriate certain male penguin waddling characteristics to stay warm. In your free time you make Skrillex-like beats with the sounds you’ve collected in the field.

Gay penguin research

3. Long-term Unpaid Intern. As a longtime unpaid intern, you’ve been working at the same company ever since you graduated college, though you’ve only ever been compensated in diet Coke and uneaten pastries from the weekend. You’re convinced that if you put in just a few more months of hard, unappreciated labor, you’ll have a decent chance of getting a job and adding a third meal to your daily eating routine. In the little free time you have you cry constantly. Well, weep really. Weep constantly.

Unpaid intern perks

4. Lena Dunham’s fluffer. As Lena Dunham’s fluffer, you stand by on set to keep Lena on her game during those especially long and wearisome hipster sex shoots. In your free time you rest. A lot. That job is exhausting.

Fluffing Lena Dunham

5. Social Media Manager for the FBI. As the FBI’s senior most social media expert, you respond to and retweet crime tips on Twitter, and attempt to infiltrate the Facebook pages of suspected criminals. The FBI is just getting into Instagram, but you think the possibilities there are promising.

FBI social media experts

6. Jason James Richter. As Jason J. Richter, you starred in Free Willy, Free Willy 2 and Free Willy 3. Between those three movies, you pretty much made all the money you will ever need. In your free time you enjoy frequent visits to Sea World to spend quality time with your former co-star and his offspring.

Jason James Richter con Willie

7. Oyster Rater and Blogger. As a rater of oysters, you are given samples of oysters from both coasts, which you then write about in a well-respected oystering blog. Though you don’t expect to live much past 45 because of all the mercury, you love what you do, and wouldn’t change a thing.

Oyster rater

8. Swimsuit Model. As a swimsuit model, you model swimwear. Pretty self-explanatory. Except that it’s a seasonal job, so you make most of your bank in about two months—and it’s a lot of bank—and spend most of the rest of the year eating ice cream and Chipotle and basically just partying 4-6 nights per week which is why maybe you don’t look so hot now. In your free time you volunteer teaching teenagers the importance of having good self-confidence by picking the best swimsuit for their body types.

Ice cream burriots swimsuit models

9. Stegosaurus Thermodynamicist. As a Stegosaurus Thermodynamicist, you study how Stegosauri used the plates on their backs like primitive solar panels, trapping energy and heat and storing it in the event of a cloudy day. You enjoy it, because it’s a fairly new field with a lot of exciting work still to be done. In your free time you distill 199.999 proof alcohol.

Stegowhat!