New York events this week you’d be well advised not to miss: Socialite edition!

Socialites: can’t live with ‘em, can’t live…with them, really.

But not this week! This week we take a detour from our normal agenda of bringing you events normal, fun-loving, reasonable-incomed people would enjoy to inform you about a number of high-profile exlcusive events for socialites you will have a hard time to getting into outright but may find self-satisfied consolation in crashing, sneaking into, ordering delivery caviar for they didn’t order, ect.

Thus, this week’s can’t miss socialite rendevouses, complete with event details and crashing tips.

Socialite meme

1. David Yurman Annual Rooftop Soiree
Tuesday, July 30, 6:30pm

A soiree? Really? As a sometime socialite poser—socialoser?—I have attended balls, formals, moonlight plaza dinners and preprandial bourbon masquerades, but never ever a soiree. Even the location, 24 Vestry St., sounds ultra fancy. It’s not clear what actually is going down at the soiree besides the obvious socialiteizing, namely because there is no description of it on the event page, and the official event link turns up blank. So, basically, if you have to ask what the event is, you probably aren’t cool enough to go.

Crashing tip: This one’s easy. It’s a rooftop party for God’s sake, which means it’s more or less in a public space. Fire escape will do fine, or, really, just take the elevator.

2. A “Downton Abbey”-Inspired Dinner Dance at Hyde Hall
Saturday, August 3

Downton Abbey dance

Hahahahaha. This event is actually mind blowing if you think about it. “A ‘Downton Abbey’-Inspired Dinner Dance at Hyde Hall” is doubtlessly motivated by some negligible percentage of the actual dancing they do in the show—which by the way you can find in any number of other Euorpean historical media each year, not to mention they could have made the connection more subtle, calling it something like “Great Waltz during the Great War Dinner Dance at Hyde Hall”—and much more motivated by the insaaane drama and awkward circumlocutious sex discussions. It’s not clear if they realize the latter, bulk of the motivation, and even less clear if they realize that the Downton Abbey level drama is exactly what some of the guests crave as daily fuel for their lives, and what some guests will actually seek to create at the dinner dance, whether it take the form of coitusdeath, engagement ruining, or the like.

Crashing tip: Dress up so farcically fancy—we’re talking coat tails, monocle, at least 7 pieces of hand jewelry—that anybody would be just so teerrribly embarrassed to turn you away.

3. Hedge Funds Care Young Professionals Summer Benefit
Saturday, August 3

Indeed. This event illustrates one of the fundamental laws of socialite events: if you and at least one other person are giving away a lot of money to a cause, you’d better not miss a chance to throw a party. So it is with Hedge Funds Care, who not only don’t give money away anonymously, not only don’t give away money quietly, not only don’t put the fact that they actually probably care in their event title, not only don’t give away money according to the the causes they feel based on their own first hand experiences and knowledge would make the best impact, but instead join their cohort in an evening of “decadent summer bites, refreshing sips, dancing, and a silent auction with luxury items benefiting Hedge Funds Care.”

Crashing tip: Don’t crash this. Because once you’re in, you’d wonder why you ever expended so much energy.