The universe, that eternal, unknowable attention hog, is back in the news once again. In fact, the last eight days may very well be the most we’ve ever fed its vain, superficial and infinite maw: today researchers announced solid evidence in support of the fabled “Inflation” theory, which had everyone captivated until they realized the new episode of Cosmos with Neil Degrasse Tyson had been made available on Hulu.
So, in honor of Inflation, and in honor of Neil Degrasse Tyson in general, we’ll be talking about ticket fees—a cosmic mystery in and of themselves. Where did ticket fees come from? How are they so incomprehensibly massive? Why do they make us feel so small and powerless? And are they really infinitely inflating? And what can Neil Degrasse Tyson do about any of this?
Come with me, as we go on an adventure of what I wish was the imagination, to the
The first stop on our journey is Brown Paper Tickets, a company that was formed when massive quantities of brown, paper and tickets collided in the early 2000s, in an event researchers call “The founding of Brown Paper Tickets.” Fascinating.
Brown Paper Tickets Ticket Fees: $0.99 + 3.5%
Decades ago Einstein’s equations predicted ticket fees would rise to this level, but only in the last decade has Brown Paper Tickets been able to confirm his hypotheses.
Onto the next adventure! What do we have here? Ah, yes, it’s a completely new entity called Splash, or Splashthat. No one knows for sure. However, after a rigorous, multi-year internet search, scientists have unearthed Splash/Splashthat’s fee structure.
Splash/Splashthat Ticket Fees: $0.99 + 3.5% + ~2%
The approximately 2% on top of the rest of the fees has to do with random fluctuations in spacetime and the mood of Splash/Splashthat’s employees. Again, no one really knows.
Ah, and now we arrive at Eventbrite, the ticketing behemoth with a mass the size of the rest of our companies put together. And the fees are, appropriately, astronomical:
Eventbrite Ticket fees: $0.99 + 2.5% + 3%
It’s been estimated that the amount of ticket fees paid to Eventbrite so far is a billion billion trillion billion million times more than what you would observe at reasonable levels.
Leaving Eventbrite behind, we are now gazing into what is basically a black hole, a phenomenon so rapaciously powerful it swallows all money that comes in contact with it. It still amazes researchers that life emerged on TicketFly—its ticket fees thought to be hostile to life. TicketFly says “A Service Fee is a per ticket charge that varies by event and face value of the ticket. The rate is set by the venue or promoter and Ticketfly, and is based on the cost to put on the event.” So say I wanted to go see Phil Lesh next month. I would pay:
Ticket price: $79.82
Ticket fee: $12.67
Ticketfly ticket fees: 16%
Which all but confirms the universal inflation of ticket fees.
What a journey we’ve been on together. We’ve marveled at the great fee structures of the universe; shuddered at their dark immensity, their ravenous pull. There’s so much more we don’t know about the ticketverse, but if the last week has taught us anything, it’s that there are still great discoveries to be made. And you’ve just made one of them. Welcome to Peatix.