Seriously big, scandalous news out of Twitter today. For one, the Twitter advanced search function lets you filter by emoticon:
So when you turn on frowny-face search, and enter the names of a few of the world’s more notorious ticket vendors, you are left with a staggering record of fantastic suffering inflicted on complete innocents, forevermore condemned to view online ticket buying with cynicism and fear, rather than the beautiful and natural transaction it is supposed to be. These ticket buyers need a voice; they need a champion; and above all, they need a blog post.
We now solemnly present to you these tweets.
1. General Stubhub sadness
Oh Erica, your quaint pleas for your friends to save their money is a tender gesture that rejuvenates our souls.
2. The Ticketmaster-hamburger conspiracy
Does Kirk’s hamburger have anything to do with why he wasn’t able to buy a ticket on Ticketmaster? Out of journalistic respect for ourselves we won’t speculate. But all we’re saying is that it has been long noted that Ticketmaster’s user interface does nothing good to address the mid-hamburger ticket purchaser. The carnivorous were never really their target audience anyway. Hang in their Kirk bud.
3. More like customer anti-service
People do strange things to see the Arctic Monkeys.
Pshhh mind exploding everywhere!!
5. This guy actually gets to see the Arctic Monkeys!
But he paid with his self-esteem (Ticketmaster charges a premium rate for you not to be called a nerd and loser).
6. Indescribable despair
There are no words in Elvish, Entish or the tongues of men for the sadness of three frowny faces.
Thus this blog has exposed the scandalous truth that teenagers on Twitter are having a hard time paying the high prices commanded by sites like Ticketmaster and Stubhub, and that this has engendered epidemic sadness only now laid bare by the “:(” advanced search algorithm. These anguished souls are pleading for help through their emoticons. They need our support, that one day their secondhand ticket-induced tortured frowns might be turned upside down.